July 2011
15 posts
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$175 Million: This is the Most Expensive Home For...
“Oh, God,” you’re always prone to saying, “I just LOOVVEE the outdoorsy wealth of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. But going and being around ridiculously rich people all day isn’t enough! Sometimes I need to get away from it all, to camp and fish and hike on my own property, away from the pesky upper-upper-lower middle class. There’s no possible way to get exactly what I...
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Kids These Days Don't Even Know Their Own Names
Parents have it so much harder in 2011. Sure, a generation ago, they’d already relegated most of their actual parenting duties to television. But you’d still interact and talk with your kids, during, y’know, commercials. These days, not so much.
See, now we have to tweet and text and status update and browse our blogs and RSS feeds and check our Myspaces and Youtube...
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Hitler Cat Cannot Has Cheezburger, Loving Home
At the Wood Green animal shelter in Godmanchester, Cambridgeshire— shouldn’t have to spell out which country we’re in, here, guys— this kitten was rescued from near death by the side of a major highway. Look at how cute it is! At six weeks old, it’s covered in adorable black spots, which blot its snow-white fur. One of them happens to fall right under its nose,...
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Thursday Trends: The Kids Are All Addicted To...
This week, in trends: Brooklyn is stupid, babies are stupid, CNBC babies are stupid, Japanese people are sweaty and stupid, pregnant women are stupid, your pets’ Facebook is really stupid, and Americans are so fat and stupid it will redefine your entire grasp of the words “fat” and “stupid,” which you probably had a pretty good grasp on already, being that...
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Sexy Female Richard Simmons Goes Viral in China
This weird workout video, which teaches you how to stretch your neck, started as a backseat taxi advertisement in China and ended up going viral, probably because the instructor looks like a deranged clown who escaped from a mental institution convinced she’s Richard Simmons.
“I haven’t told my parents and I don’t plan to,” [the video star] said, laughing....
Dolphin Update: Dolphins are Magic
I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but: Dolphins are fucking incredible. There’s a reason we don’t eat them, and that’s because they’re intelligent creatures, and we want to stay on their good side, for the Great Dolphin Uprising of 2033. By that point they will have psychic powers. Psychic powers > guns.
But! For now they’re just the cute creatures we...
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Wu-Tang Clan Needs an Intern
C.R.R.E.A.M.*:
Wu-Tang Management is a multi-faceted independent management company that was established in 1993 with our headquarters in Staten Island New York. After the tremendous international success of the first group released, the famed Wu-Tang Clan, we have gone down in history as the only management company to manage the entire Wu-Tang Clan, and in doing so, brought them from being a...
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Can Recycling is the Only Reliable Career Sector...
Dear Poors, I have a question: What is your got-damn problem? You sit around on your asses all day, breathing my valuable, hard-earned air and drinking my precious, Government-filtered tapped water, only to complain that the “economy” and your “post-traumatic stress disorder” make finding a job impossible.
When you are literally surrounded by gold, all day! Pure aluminum...
That Time Your Groom was Actually a Woman So Your...
Imagine this: it’s your wedding day! Flowers and candles and white flowy dresses and magic. You’re standing at the altar surrounded by family and friends, about to commit yourself to a relationship for the rest of your life. Dreams do come true! Oh, but your husband didn’t bring his ID or birth certificate or anything. Or any relatives. And then his voice gets all high-pitched...
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Facebook Is The New Crack
Remember the 50s, when everyone smoked cigarettes everywhere, all the time, even in airplanes and hospitals, and we were all addicted to nicotine but had no idea, because everyone was too busy smoking all day to notice? And then doctors were all like, “oh, fall back, y’all, this gives you hella cancer”? And then everyone fell back.
Well! We’ve put down the cigarettes,...
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Heath Watch: Everything you Eat and Do is Wrong
Everyone is dying, all of you, all the time. Exercise is making Chinese kids fat. Nobody eats vegetables anymore, except the Chinese, which is also making them fat. Soups are saltier, because that’s what works, in the food industry: things that taste good. And what doesn’t work for doctors is medicine, or being a doctor. Monday Health Watch is ass-backwards. Or is it bass-ackwards?...
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Holy Crap, Omar Is On Community
The AV Club Reports: Jesus Christ in Heaven, the best character from The Wire is now the best character on Community. I’m. So. Wet. Right. Now:
On The Wire, Michael K. Williams’ Omar had a matter-of-fact understanding of “the game” that is the drug culture that bordered on scientific remove. Now he’ll apply some of that observational wisdom to the more cartoonishly mean streets...
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Thursday Trends: In Which We Are In No Way Ashamed...
Southerners, grilling! Druggies, shilling! Flip-flops, flopping! Pop stars, cribbing! And Steve Buscemi is still seducing us with those infinitely deep, dark eyes. Thursday Trend Watch just wants to look good without trying.
Do you need to be told not to wear flip-flops at the office? Congratulations, you’re 14.
Katy Perry copied Lady Gaga’s new mermaid outfit, which she copied...
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German 14-Year-Old Refuses To Give A Single Fuck,...
Kids these days! Did you know: each and every last one of them is fucking insufferable. If they’re not asking you for money (like you’re some sort of goddamn ATM,) or asking you for the car (like you’re some sort of goddamn Avis franchise,) they’re unabashedly stealing it, like that is something they can just do:
A 14-year-old German boy sparked a major police operation...
