This week, in Science: You’re about to die, watch out, or don’t, I’m not exactly directly invested in your well-being and safety, you know, so, friendly advice, take it or leave it, I’m not your mother, I’m just a dude on the internet. You’d do well to quit eating McGriddles tho. Also: Whales! We’re having a whale of a time.
- Another doomed spacecraft set to fall back to earth, this headline reads. But they buried the lede here, which is: HOLY SHIT LOOK OU-
- What the hell is a “boffin”? Is that something weird, and British? It totally sounds like a weird British thing to me. Like, is that what they call hats, over there? You never know with the British. They’re so weird. I mean, blood sausage. What is that, even? Thank god we won that war. Thank the Lord.
- There’s a Russian icebreaker (there’s a Yakov Smirnoff joke in here somewhere) en route to free 100 Beluga whales trapped in an icy, watery prison, of ice, and water. But maybe the whales like being trapped in ice? Nobody ever asks the whales these days.
- “Bridle Path Elementary students learn about energy use through Christmas lights”! That is so cute. Compared to last month’s lesson, which was crushing lifelong regret, through heroin. Bridle Path is a Montessouri school, I think.
- Here’s what life in 2100 looks like: your face will melt off in the ongoing nuclear war, and everyone you know and love will be dead. And you can pay for train rides with your cell phone!!!
- The newest science on heart-healthy diets? It’s whatever you’re not eating, shit-heart. Yeah, I called you shit-heart, and you can’t catch me, with that shit heart of yours. Fatty.
- Why Science is Failing Us. Hint: cocaine is a major factor. Science cocaine. For science.